Confessing Friday

I hate writing.

Let me back pedal a bit before your jaw clenches so tight you give yourself a toothache.

I hate writing. Sorry. I needed to say it again, this is rather freeing. I sort of get why Catholics like to go to confession now. It’s liberating.

The act of writing itself brings me no joy. It bugs me, makes me want to kill my laptop/pen and – in the end – does nothing but disappoint me. An intricately detailed world fills 90% of my subconscious mind and at least half of my consciousness – every tiny detail, every nuance is there. Characters every twitch adds to their self, thousands of years of history in every stone (yes, I have thousands of years of back story for my world), and emotions overwhelm me with every scene (feeling what seven other people are feeling all at once is a nightmare. Seriously. I wouldn’t wish being an empath on anyone!).

Every facet of the world and story is vivid, so crystal clear in my head that words cannot do it justice. My words fail me. They aren’t enough. They can’t convey all they must. Words are insufficient.

The act of trying to find words that can encompass a mere fraction of what’s inside of me – the living, breathing reality inside of my head – is nothing less than torture.

I hate writing.

This is not a post about me being depressing or upset or looking for encouragement. That isn’t the point. I will never like writing. I know this.

What I love, on the other hand, is storytelling. I love characters and emotion and dialogue and journeys. I love story. And, to me, the best art form for expressing story – with subtlety, intricacy and a greater sense of purpose – is the written word.

I have characters who scream and demand my attention. I need to exorcise the – for lack of a better term – demons who rampage through the caverns of my mind and wreak havoc, leaving chaos in their wake. The only way to sort the wreckage is to write. Writing is the only form of release, the only escape, the mechanism that grants balance.

Writing is as vital to my well-being as breathing – that doesn’t mean I like it.

Maybe this made no sense and your teeth hurt and you want to smack me but todays about honesty so, if you’re up for it, your turn.

Word Of The Day: Avowal - acknowledgement. 

PS. Thank you for all the well-wishes on the bartending course! As of August 12 2010 I am a certified Bartender. I finished with flying bottles (not really but wouldn't that of been cool) pouring myself to a a magnificent 99%. (And you can bet I will never forget a brand of premium single malt scotch on a written exam ever again!)

Drinks are on me tonight.